I chose the name "Homemaker Remodeled" because I liked the pun on the standard stay-at-home mom and redefining, or "remodeling", what that role in the home entails (ie: diy projects in addition to spit-up clean up and daily chores). I have recently discovered a third level to this pun.
Divorce.
Yup.
Sparing everyone the details of why, I'll only briefly note that this is for the best and everyone is better off for this decision. We all deserve to be happy, and this decision will best lead us all there. I see that now.
However, myself, my life - the roles I play, my time, my mental/emotional/physical investments - are already undergoing a drastic remodeling gut job. Some areas will keep the same blue print, while others won't.
My plan:
1. Give my sweet Hazel the availability, continuity, and emotional security she's accustomed to and depends on.
2. Become super strong and self-sufficient by going back to school and getting an MBA in marketing.
3. Master all selves.
With regards to item 2, I'm excited to develop my talents in the area that is least developed, despite the entrepreneurial skills developed through owning and promoting my dance business the better part of the last decade. A Marketing focused MBA should marry my verbal/written skills, social acuity, and creativity with some sharpened business savvy and financial know-how. I will develop and expand all my most prevalent talents in doing this and aid my goal to grow exponentially through these recent choices and circumstances. Which leads me to item 3.
You may laugh, but I've been feeling restless. Big surprise. I blog about it. It's in my personality to be restless, especially when sensing stagnation. I value growth immensely. This moment allows me a rare opportunity to grow at a highly accelerated rate, and I don't want to miss it. The pain from the cause of these sudden changes - namely the divorce - is there. I can see it and recognize it as mourning something that has died. But it feels more like the death of a relative long anticipated, and so most of the mourning is done before the final death, and despite the pain and shock of the final moment, there is mostly relief. What I mostly feel is joy.
An aside: Joy and sorrow are inseparably connected. Just as one's capacity to embody pain expands with the confrontation of it, so too does one's capacity to embody joy expand. The heart broadens to hold it all. Any deep emotion, bright or dark, deepens our ability to feel. Period. And so, the lesson is not "I'll be happy later." The lesson, instead, is "I am happy now, even as I am in pain."
So with this joy, mixed with the addiction to growth, I am excited for these new paths because it brings me the chance to master all my selves. This means that I am being tempered by the intensity of these experiences, and because of that, I can better harness, channel, and strengthen my mind, heart, spirit, and body.
Just how am I doing that? How am I remodeling myself?
First, an analogy.
I recently hosted a bookgroup and we read "Housekeeping" by Marylin Robinson. They all hated it, which is always fun. What I love about it at this moment in my life is the redefinition of oneself as compared to a house. How do you keep your House? Is it orderly or chaotic? Do you welcome guests? Who? how far into the house do they get? The living room? The bedroom? What food and life and color is in your house? When do the lights go out for sleep? etc
I want a house of mastery, order, and whimsy.
So I joined a gym. Seems simple enough, but the daily habit of disciplining my body has had ripple effects into my study habits, organization, punctuality, ambition, etc.
Instead of lounging on the couch, depressed, shoveling Ben and Jerry's (ooh...Fish Food...argh! focus), I am learning algebra for the GMAT required for MBA admissions. I can remember staying after school everyday in Mrs. Adam's Freshmen algebra class, not trusting myself to complete my homework alone at home, let alone find the right answer. 3 hours, everyday, all semester. My dad would bring my lunch and dinner while I sat there, teacher by my side, plugging away at it. Now, 15 years later, I'm learning the same algebra again, only this time my ability to provide for my daughter depends on my ability to find "x". But I'll tell you, the satisfaction of discovering that I am, in fact, good at math, and that I can take my least favorite subject - during this moment in my life - and conquer it, it's no small thrill.
I'm journaling and reading a lot. I'm finding that keeps the emotions clean, unmuddled, and maintain a solid grip on reality, history. How did I get here? Why am I doing this? What are my goals? I think there is a clinical condition call DADD: Divorce Attention Defecit Disorder. I started forgetting stuff - big stuff - everywhere: wallet, passport, purse, luggage, kid in security line, etc etc etc. I got them all back, but still. I have to stay clear and paced. And it's working, I'm already almost all the way out of the fog.
And most importantly, I'm busting my butt to give Hazel the same present, whimsical, attuned Mommy she's always had.
I'm feeding my body the exercise, my mind Algebra, my spirit words and meditation. But my heart...my heart is on it's own abstract but driven trajectory towards expansion, an infinite capacity to embody my emotions, and become basically indestructible because of it. My love or self-image will never waiver again. I won't allow that anymore.
And so, my last point.
Whimsy, and all that this blog has espoused to until now, MUST live on. And it must live on now, not when the divorce is final, or I'm done with my MBA, or when Hazel starts Kindergarten, or when I remarry fifty bazillion years from now. Whimsy is required today, just like love is on the menu for me, Hazel, husband, and everyone in my vicinity.
And I love home remodeling/decorating. That means that part of my divorce therapy is window treatments. My counselor: my favorite cookbook. My aroma therapy: the smell of thin set and paint. etc
I may be rewriting the book on divorce, taking over corporate, and so on, but I still need to be me. And that means being fiercely loyal to a child-like joy in all things, even the seemingly superficial or frilly. Just cuz my brain is a no-frill zone right now, doesn't mean I can't wear them.
And so, I will revamp this blog to fit this third dimension of remodeling - remodeling the house of Self. Perhaps I'll blog about staging my house for resale, or being a single mom in our own Hazel-Stephanie cottage at some point. Who knows.
In the meantime, I'm happy.
