On A More Personal Note

In my adventures in remodeling, I have confronted a crossroads.

Hi Oprah.

Have I mentioned, oh great wide blogging audience, that I'm also a professional swing dancer? And there may be dancers reading this blog right now, and if so, don't give me away! Not quite yet, anyhow.

For almost 10 years now, I've been doing one particular swing dance called West Coast Swing. I. love. this. dance. I can remember ditching class in high school to stay home and watch competition videos or attend competitions. No one suspected the straight A, president of the class, member of every club, Stephanie McHenry. I quickly became fixated on developing my talents and becoming what I saw on the floor:

A Champion West Coast Swing Dancer.

The Champions moved as though they were an instrument in the song, reading the score before it came and interpreting it before me. The crisp, subtle movement so attuned to the moment, to every breathing, pulsing presence. They channeled and redirected it at the precise moment to trigger a gasp and a cheer from thousands of people in sync. They were master manipulators of their bodies and the masses. With a flick, or a kick, or a twitch, followed by a double flip, they plucked a string and we all resonated. I knew I could do that, I just needed to fine-tune the language between my ear, brain, and body. I had guts, and I had "It", and I knew if I played the popularity game, this time I was smarter and I could win. I could be the artist and the homecoming queen.

They were dazzling, even intoxicating to watch: The adoration. The rhinestones. The smirky, confident smiles. The "It-ness" of it all. What kid, having borne the wounds of Junior High, wouldn't want to be accepted and counted among them?! They were spontaneous and one with the music. They were adored for their movement and their persona. They were selling their bodies with their face, their face with their bodies. They pulsed and throbbed and evoked many dimensions of want. Mine was the desire to be looked at as they were - for my movement and my persona; I wanted the validation for my talents and traits I didn't get in my life to that point (or more importantly, didn't reward myself to that point in time, or not fully).

Now, let's make a rating system for the political clout of a dancer: 1 being no one knows you or if they do, may avoid dancing with you. 10 being the many time US Open Swing Dance Championship winner, consistent Jack and Jill top 5 placer (improvised dancing), and major target for Strictly Swing partnerships. I'm about an 8 or 8.5. Probably. I'm a major Jack and Jill Champion and moderately targeted for SS. I've never paired with a routine partner and traveled the world performing, winning, and teaching internationally.

After 6-8 years of searching for the right partner, 2 great matches presented themselves in the last 3 weeks!

What does this have to do with "homemaker remodeled" you might ask? A lot.

If I do this, I will invest at least 18 months to 3 years in this partnership, traveling all over the world teaching and performing. I would have the opportunity to wear the rhinestones, get the cheers, and create the movement my artistic body hasn't had the opportunity to manifest yet.

This would also mean 3 things:

1. Delaying a second pregnancy/child.

2. Delaying Carpentry and Construction Technology school.

3. Delaying Design school.

Allow me to reiterate: I love this dance. I love being an artist with my body, having the wit and guts that many don't have. This is what I wanted from 17 on.

But being Hazel's mom easily eclipses everything else I do. Naturally. And I've always been a 3-4 kid Mom. At least in theory. And I fear having 2 "only children" instead of "siblings". How far apart is too far apart?!

Then there's this design/contracting career I'm moving towards. The reality is, while I love this dance and have more I would like to accomplish in it, dancing doesn't keep me up at night. Design and contracting keeps me up at night. It takes me about 1-3 hours to fall asleep if I'm thinking about tile, or molding, or upholstery, etc.

They are both creative and physical. In both, I would be valued for my vision and what I can accomplish physically.

In dance, I could travel, see the world (not a little tempting for a girl who was married at 19 and finished college 3 months pregnant). But in dance, I'd be leaving Hazel every weekend. Again. I've done that. Yes, it's good to have things for yourself, to show your kid you as an individual. But at age 2? What she really needs is to know you and the universe are stable and available. If I could come back to dancing later, when she's in school, I would.

But dance is not a forever profession. For one thing, one's body (particularly with the help of 3-4 pregnancies) starts to give way to a different stage of mobility. At least potentially. I know I already feel different after one pregnancy, a very easy and successful one at that. For another thing, there is a small pocket, a limited window of opportunity in a politically charged community where they allow someone to succeed, to be crowned, to be chosen as the next love affair. If one waits too long, the audience, judges, staffers, become disinterested, disenchanted, and the same effort, same performance, is little acclaimed or accredited.

So, yes, I could do this for another 18 months - 3 years, and then get back to having kids. Design and contracting is a life long career and will be there waiting for me when I'm good and ready.

But...

If I dance. If I do this. If I take this opportunity to try and reach that level 10 champion status, who is doing that? Is it the experienced, accomplished 26 year old who has one more task to complete, one more feat to attempt? Or is it that 17 year old girl who saw a vision of who she wanted to be, and fears falling short of that vision?

Am I 26 or 17? Or both? Does that 17 year old girl get to have her day, or can I forgive myself what I haven't accomplished and take her with me to enjoy this life I have now, this life with Aaron and Hazel and home.

At the risk of sounding like Cybil, I want to know how to balance and integrate all of my selves, to take them along for the ride and not abandon them. But also, how do I balance taking them with me and being in the moment of the self I've gained in total?

The world is at my fingertips. This really is a predicament of too much blessing. It's choosing between goods, not bad and good. Or rather, it may be choosing which regret will hurt the least. Who can know? Every child is different, as is every pregnancy. In the end, no one will be cheering, I'll just have a video of a movement. Will the artistic creation be enough? Is that what I'm after? This is just the chance to do one more something great with this dance, not a guarantee. Is the chance to move perfectly what this is all about? Or, if I leave now and say goodbye, is the pain just mourning over a lost love? Is my real fear that it will hurt less than I think it will, like someone telling you before they give you a shot that's for your own good and is followed by a sticker?

We will be right back to the Oprah Show after this commercial break...